I can’t believe February 2019 is a week away from marching past us!
It’s hard to believe that I’m a month away from being back in my hometown for 2 years . So much has changed in the last 2 years. I went from being married to single, traveling weekly to staying home, from mom to grandma of 3, not working for almost a year and half to owning a full time business, living with others for years to having my own home… the list goes on and on ♥️
My heart still hurts way more than I would like but way less than it did 2 years ago.
I loved my husband with all my heart. My heart was broken before I met him and shattered to pieces when I left him. I still wonder today if I would have made sure my heart was totally whole in God if I would have fell in love with him or would I have been somewhere totally different in my life. Regardless it was what it was. We were 2 broken people trying to make life work.
There were warning signs when dating that tempers were not under control. Arguing that was ridiculous, there was a violent eruption a few times when dating. During one of the arguments a phone was back handed out of my hand, I reacted by punching him in the arm, he was driving wreck-less to intimidate me, punching my stereo threatening to rip it out of my jeep. I threatened back that if he ever touched me again I would kill him. I was so shocked, hurt and angry, but I found myself begging for him to stay in my life. I thought in my heart somehow this had to be my fault and I could fix this.
We broke up for a month and instead of me healing and getting with Jesus I waited believing I was suppose to help fix his brokenness when I couldn’t even fix my own. Geez how can a broken person heal another broken person??? THEY CAN NOT!
There was promises to get help, of love and that it would never happen again, so back together 2 broken people went! We went on with dating, proposal, engagement and marriage. Now we had 2 broken people living in a small tiny space in a travel trailer. Three days after we returned from our honeymoon we both had no jobs so we were together non stop. Stress was high, tension was growing like a weed. Before we knew it things were out of control. Arguing, blocking in a room, me shoving him to get out and explosive anger. Less than a month into marriage I had hands around my throat. We yelled screamed cussed and fought like crazy people. Then there was the tears, apologies and days of self hatred. These behaviors cycled in and out of our marriage for a year.
In the year of marriage there was twice I turned to my old ways. I tried to drink my shame and regrets and fears away. That only led to more eruptions of emotions. Self sabotage is never the answer.
I couldn’t really tell anyone what was going on. I couldn’t tell anyone how many times I was thrown out of our home as a form of control. How many times I feared for my life when we were driving down a road in a truck that was being threatened as a weapon to end my life and even his. This is abuse to intimidate anyone like this.
I still loved this man no matter the craziness. See I had my own cray crazy. My brokenness that loved his brokenness. This was the part of me that wanted to fix me and him.
When I left 2 years ago things were beyond dangerous for us. Our lives were one fit of rage away from our lives being ruined. Someone dead, in jail and Ministries ruined forever. I knew I had to do something to force the help. So I drove away with all hopes and belief that this would fix it. Oh it did. It ended the marriage that I thought was my dreams come true until I realized it was my biggest nightmare come true.
When I left things only spun more out of control. The fears of rejection and exposure caused more crazy behaviors. Things were twisted so much by manipulation that I began to question my own sanity. My options were come back home now or divorce. Lies were told that he had offered me to stay in our home while he stayed in a hotel to seek help. The truth was I had email and text after text saying he didn’t believe in counseling. That he only needed his bible and CR. I wanted the distance for safety and assurance that true deliverance was being strived for. We only continued to attack each other with our words, continuously abusing each other out of our own pain.
The help was never sought. Lies were made up about why I left and I was erased from family, friends and even churches like I never existed.
They may have erased me but the love, regrets and memories were tattooed on my heart. I don’t forget people like that. I struggle to let go of people in my life. God is teaching me not all who come into my life should be there! I’m learning to only have safe people in my life. Ones that don’t leave tattoos that are ugly in my life.
I have been walking the journey of a long period of healing. I don’t know if I will ever ever be the same person. I believe in some ways this is good and some maybe not so good. I believe that I will continue to heal and become whole! I will never accept another’s brokenness to blend with my brokenness. I will expect wholeness from myself so I recognize wholeness in a companion.
Domestic Violence destroys lives!!!
While I still seek wholeness my ex moved quickly on to another person and got married. This only broke my heart even more into pieces. I questioned my worth! I don’t know why when he already showed me how much I was worth to him!
But then I realized that I have the best mate ever. I have the ONE who heals, restores and protects! I have the one who shows me my worth is His sacrifice on the cross for me. I have Jesus. So I am going to be okay!
I am a survivor of domestic violence!!!
I am an overcomer of its aftermath!
These last 2 years are only the beginning of my wholeness. In another 2 years I wont even recognize that broken girl!
Jesus has my heart now!!