So for sometime now I have been wanting to get back down to the coast. Take a few days and chill out and go see Round Top TX. I wanted to go there when I lived down in South Texas.
I planned the trip, asked multiple people to go with me and no one was able to. The first dates for the trip was on the anniversary date of when I left to come for a visit that turned into the end of my marriage. I decided that was just too much and so was going to the same beach. So I scheduled for this weekend and a different beach all together.
I have never taken a vacation solo before, but I accidentally paid for my hotel at Port Arthur for two nights. Or did I? Meaning was it really an accident or a trip God wanted to me take with Him and I?
I guess if that is the case then I really didn’t fly solo on this Vaca. In saying this, it is easier to say than to process and feel it.
This has been the most emotional trip I have ever taken in my life. I have posted my fun pictures on social media and I have enjoyed the trip but I was afraid to be too raw with my social media friends, for that matter any of my friends. See grief makes people uncomfortable and they want to fix you. They want to throw a Bible Verse at you or a positive quote and make it all poof away.
LOL for that matter so do I!
I think that is why this trip has been emotional for me. I cant make it all go away. I cant figure out why I still hurt so bad when I have a healing and loving Jesus living inside of me.
On this trip I have come to realize I am grieving way more than the loss of my husband through divorce. I am grieving a lifestyle, a place, a belonging. See for many years I have walked along side someone rather it was as in assisting their dreams, ministry, ranch work etc… or married to the “man of my dreams”. I had lots of travels, adventures, relationships and so much intertwined with my marriage.
I have been feeling like a lost puppy for about a year now. The first year I was too raw and broken to feel this way. I didn’t want to belong, or go around many people. Now I am trying to figure out where I belong, who my tribe is. I know I have my family, my children and precious grandbabies and that is amazing. See I am sort of a gypsy in ways. I love to move around and have adventures and my own little tribe of people to do so with. So now who, what, where, when lol
So much has gone through my mind this weekend, so many memories and prayers prayed this weekend. I may have allowed myself time to grieve the man, but not the life. Now I am at a new level and grieving that part of my loss. I know that it will all be okay if I just hold on while He orders my steps.
As I was traveling today from Port Arthur, to Round Top and then to Waco, I was in a lot of familiar locations. Places I had been with my ex husband to travel through or to do church services. I stopped in a town to use the bathroom and swore I saw him. I shook my head and laughed at my silly thought. After all I see him all the time in my heart and head with the memories. I got to my hotel couple hours later and thought I would look at his website and see where he was at this weekend, yes I still check on him and yes I know this doesn’t help my heart. I had not even looked at his website in awhile because it hurt too much. So I took a took and he was in Cameron TX today where I had just been. He was at a church down the road or an event doing a revival. Did I really see him or did I feel that connection so strong that I imagined it was him? I will never know for sure. The one thing I know for sure is my God knew that my heart couldn’t handle really knowing it was him and facing him head on. So He protected my heart today.
So the same God that did that for me today is the same God that will keep my heart as it heals. He is the same God that will show me where I belong, who I am with just He and I. He will give me my sense of belonging and fulfillment in what I have and do now. If it is to be more, He will show me the more.
As a new podcast I was listening to, said today I am going to just Do the Next Right Thing.. That will be my new motto until I have walked out this grief at the level I am at now. It will be my motto on days that I don’t know what to do next. It will be my motto on days that seem so overwhelming that I can not breathe.
I would say I didn’t take my vaca solo after all.. God and I had a lot of time to figure out what in the world was wrong with me lol. I am glad He loves me in my insanity.
Thanks for letting me be real and raw with y’all.
Dream Catcher 3:20