I slept in this morning and for that I am very thankful. I also had a text from someone close to me saying it was Thankful Thursday. They told me how thankful they are for me. What they didn’t know is that was my blog choice of the day!
I am thankful for so many things, places and people in my life. I am thankful that 3 years ago on this very date, God didn’t allow things to go too far so that there was no second chances in life.
I am thankful that though my heart has been broken more times than I can count, I serve the ONE who mends the broken hearted.
I am thankful that over all the years of life, God has never let go of me. There are many times I tried to get out of His reach, but His arm never runs out of length to hold on to me.
I am thankful that I have 2 amazing children. I am thankful that God hand picked their spouses for them and for me. I am thankful that God has blessed them with absolutely beautiful children.
I am thankful that even though I made many mistakes as a mom, God has always had my children in His hands. His grace and love has kept them.
I am thankful that I have a home now that is big enough to have 18 people in my living room for a baby shower. My daughter is having a little girl in April and I got to host the shower.
I am thankful that I am living in the quiet small town of Welch. I always said it would be a cold day in hell before I moved back. Oh it was hell alright that brought me back. However it was God who kept me here. I have been able to SEE this place through His eyes and not past hurts and pain.
Well that about sums up today. I could sit here all day and write my list.
I would love for you to comment back with a few of your own
Three years ago, my heart that was barely holding together from years of hurts, was shattered into pieces. My dream marriage had turned into a year of some amazing times, some not-so-amazing times, to living a full-blown traumatic nightmare.
As the weather and seasons change, I have a physical injury that remind me of the last major waking nightmare. Sometimes when you have an injury it never heals all the way or scars so deep that it is sometimes irritated by the atmosphere or actions it is used in.
My elbow still gives me fits when the weather changes or I use it too much. My elbow was injured when the man I was about to go do ministry with rung it out like a dishrag. We were packing to go do ministry and ended up in a knock-down drag-out, leaving the dreams and hopes I had of help for us shattered into pieces. It wasn’t the first time for physical abuse; however, it would be the last! It went too far and got too dangerous. The sad thing is I told many women don’t ever let them hurt you twice. Get the hell out! Literally get out of that kind of hell. Did I do this? No! I stayed for a year. The marriage was great when it was great. It was hostile and violent when it wasn’t great. There was no arguing without explosive anger. This created a constant state of fear and hard to breathe or know when to approach things which left me in a constant state of feeling like I had to hold my breath. This alone traumatizes a person and leaves physical, mental and emotional scars. Especially when you loved someone so deep you didn’t know where they ended and you began.
Just like the elbow injury, there are deep scars that can be triggered by an anniversary date, a memory, a smell, a thought, someone else reminding you of a person or even someone else’s traumatic event, or the good mixed into those years or seasons that you terribly miss.
Don’t get me wrong I made mistakes in this marriage where I caused some of my own scars; regrets from some of my own actions and reactions, to things said and done. I have had to heal and forgive myself as well as that person and others involved in that time in our lives.
I know some people don’t understand why I share these things but you SEE… I refuse to allow the hell the enemy tried to destroy me with not be used for Gods glory!
You say where is the glory in this??
Right here! I survived after my heart was totally destroyed beyond human repair. BUT God is in the Mending business.
I survived yet another one of my decisions that caused me harm! It’s now made me make life-altering decisions with more prayer and caution. Sometimes I just don’t make them at all and God and I are working on that lol.
I survived domestic violence in a Christian (Ministry) home! I didn’t give up on God when I wanted to give up on Him and me!
I’m forgiving myself as a person, who is human. I made mistakes as a wife, a friend, a daughter, and as a mom in my life. BUT I am learning I did way more right than wrong. The Devil likes you to keep that scale tipped to the wrong self-hate side. I am learning to forgive others by one second and one memory at a time! It’s not easy to forgive. It’s easy to say the words but the real action is only done with GODS GRACE AND FORGIVENESS.
There are days I don’t recognize my own self. Some from the extreme grief and hurt that’s stirred up anger in me and reactions I will say were not God. BUT there are days I say who is that girl with boundaries and a boldness to not allow toxic people into my life!!!
I have been able to help others walking through things that I have survived!
I have been able to be on my own with Jesus. Not co-dependent anymore!
I spend more time alone than ever in my life before. I used to not be able to handle silence or being alone in my life. (Somedays I still don’t lol. But I am an extrovert). But there were years I couldn’t function without being around people.
I used to be so codependent on others in my life that I had no idea who I was!
Guess what… I am Cassie Gilman.
I am a mom and not as bad of a mom as I told myself I was for many, many years!
I love small towns and back roads.
I love traveling to big cities and drinking coffee at coffee shops, but I am and will always be a country cowgirl at heart and roots.
I love my style of clothing and don’t care what others think about it.
I love my fire pits.
I love grilling outdoors.
I love fishing because I enjoy it AND NOT to impress a man lol!
I love certain ministers and authors and don’t giving a flying rip what others think. I’ll continue to walk the walk I need for Cassie to thrive.
I love to travel and I am not afraid to do so alone. (I struggled some with this for about a year since I moved back here).
There is so much that I USED to adjust for others and their needs and opinions.
I no longer volunteer so much of me that my kids and grand-kids don’t even know who I am or what I look like or heck didn’t even know myself lol.
So this is why I know that I have changed for the better.
Even though I am still overcoming many heart issues and behaviors, I am stronger than ever.
I may not be where I need to be but thank God I am not where I use to be!
Day 7 of my challenge is a get to know me style. I would love for y’all to respond back with 3 of these questions and let me get to know you as well. ♥️
1. My favorite color is____Turquoise.
2. My favorite book is_____ Well I am going to give two answers to this one. The Bible because it is full of God’s love and promises. Then I would have to say any of the Sisterchick books by Robin Gun.
3. My favorite cartoon character is_____ Hmmm this one is not as easy. Okay I am going to go with Spirit the horse. I am not sure if that is considered a cartoon lol.
4. My favorite sport is ____ Rodeo of course.
5. My favorite flavor of cake is____ German Chocolate.
6. If I had to eat one food for the rest of my life what would it be?____ Mexican food
7. I’m really good at ____ encouraging others to pursue their dreams.
8. I love to ____ sit in front of a fire pit early in the mornings or at dusk.
9. The best song to dance to is ____ ROFL I do not dance. I am going to go with Dan Seals song Bop, Rofl. Only song I remember liking the dance moves to. I think it was called the box line dance.
10. If I could be a dinosaur, I would be a ____ Sauropoda
11. ____ is my favorite thing to do ever. Hanging with my kids and grandkids.
12. Everyone thinks it’s funny when I ____try to DANCE ROFL
13. This summer I want to ____ get in shape, lose weight, go hiking, and travel to airbnbs so I can blog about it.
14. The best super power to have would be____ God’s Love flowing out of us. Nothing is more powerful than that.
15. I want to learn how to ____do social media marketing and run a non profit ministry.
16. I wish____I was already doing number 15, because my body is not dealing well with the physical labor on a daily basis.
Okay now it is your turn out there. I love getting to know my readers.
I am sitting on my front porch this morning watching the amazing creation of my Papa God come to life. Each morning the sun rises and a new day starts over. I was thinking about how we get that same opportunity each day as well. For that matter we get that with each breath we take in and breathe out.
See my Papa God gives us forgiveness that happened already on the cross. All we have to do is accept it. So when we recognize we just messed up and sinned against Him, we take a breath in and breathe out that past mistake. Then we walk right back into the knowing of being His child and being forgiven. I do not know about you but I have to be reminded of this all the time.
I am in a place in my life where I am trying to find my place again. Ultimately my place is with HIM, as His daughter and servant. However, finding my place in the community, in friends, in my purpose, in a role as a mom and grandmother is not always easy. But I get to start each day over as I discover what is not my place and what is.
See for several years my place was a codependent person, always doing for others so I would never lose them in my life. Doing for others is a good thing unless the reasoning behind it is not healthy. As time and hurts have went by, I have broken that cycle. Breaking this cycle left me at a place of discovering what is healthy and where my place is in life. So each day I start over with what I have learned and where I am at in this area. I have to let go of those years I was not aware of my sins and addictions. This is not easy when I still see the residual effects left on others lives from my past. This is when I have to trust my Papa is their Papa and He will heal what I broke.
I also spent at least 6 years in ministry, traveling almost every weekend with others. A life I felt so apart of, and loved. When my marriage fell apart I also lost that part of my life. I was a little wore out with it when I first came back to Oklahoma so a rest was great. As time has gone on, I have started missing that life. So here I am now trying to figure out where I belong in this part of my world. I am starting over each day with new opportunities and I just need to open my eyes and recognize them.
The last two years I have been finding myself again. Somedays I do not like the self I have found, other days I feel so strong. I have compromised somethings trying to fit in, trying to numb my pain and empty feelings. BUT each day I see that my Papa says it is a new day so you get to start over. Some of those days I end up repeating a past day, but each day I make the right choices I know He says way to go baby girl. The days I do not start over the right way, He says you will get it tomorrow, just DO NOT QUIT BABY GIRL!!!
SO WHATEVER YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH I AM HERE TO TELL YOU
YOU GET TO START OVER! RIGHT NOW!
DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT STOP STARTING OVER AND WALKING IN HIS NEWNESS EACH SECOND, EACH MINUTE, EACH HOUR AND EACH DAY!!!!
Dream wild dreams
Live wild lives for Him
Dream Catcher 3:20 Inspiring others to catch their dream and run with it! IF YOU CAN CATCH IT YOU CAN DO IT!!