Day 7 of blogging challenge is a look back post.
Three years ago, my heart that was barely holding together from years of hurts, was shattered into pieces. My dream marriage had turned into a year of some amazing times, some not-so-amazing times, to living a full-blown traumatic nightmare.
As the weather and seasons change, I have a physical injury that remind me of the last major waking nightmare. Sometimes when you have an injury it never heals all the way or scars so deep that it is sometimes irritated by the atmosphere or actions it is used in.
My elbow still gives me fits when the weather changes or I use it too much. My elbow was injured when the man I was about to go do ministry with rung it out like a dishrag. We were packing to go do ministry and ended up in a knock-down drag-out, leaving the dreams and hopes I had of help for us shattered into pieces. It wasn’t the first time for physical abuse; however, it would be the last! It went too far and got too dangerous. The sad thing is I told many women don’t ever let them hurt you twice. Get the hell out! Literally get out of that kind of hell. Did I do this? No! I stayed for a year. The marriage was great when it was great. It was hostile and violent when it wasn’t great. There was no arguing without explosive anger. This created a constant state of fear and hard to breathe or know when to approach things which left me in a constant state of feeling like I had to hold my breath. This alone traumatizes a person and leaves physical, mental and emotional scars. Especially when you loved someone so deep you didn’t know where they ended and you began.
Just like the elbow injury, there are deep scars that can be triggered by an anniversary date, a memory, a smell, a thought, someone else reminding you of a person or even someone else’s traumatic event, or the good mixed into those years or seasons that you terribly miss.
Don’t get me wrong I made mistakes in this marriage where I caused some of my own scars; regrets from some of my own actions and reactions, to things said and done. I have had to heal and forgive myself as well as that person and others involved in that time in our lives.
I know some people don’t understand why I share these things but you SEE… I refuse to allow the hell the enemy tried to destroy me with not be used for Gods glory!
You say where is the glory in this??
Right here! I survived after my heart was totally destroyed beyond human repair. BUT God is in the Mending business.
I survived yet another one of my decisions that caused me harm! It’s now made me make life-altering decisions with more prayer and caution. Sometimes I just don’t make them at all and God and I are working on that lol.
I survived domestic violence in a Christian (Ministry) home! I didn’t give up on God when I wanted to give up on Him and me!
I’m forgiving myself as a person, who is human. I made mistakes as a wife, a friend, a daughter, and as a mom in my life. BUT I am learning I did way more right than wrong. The Devil likes you to keep that scale tipped to the wrong self-hate side. I am learning to forgive others by one second and one memory at a time! It’s not easy to forgive. It’s easy to say the words but the real action is only done with GODS GRACE AND FORGIVENESS.
There are days I don’t recognize my own self. Some from the extreme grief and hurt that’s stirred up anger in me and reactions I will say were not God. BUT there are days I say who is that girl with boundaries and a boldness to not allow toxic people into my life!!!
I have been able to help others walking through things that I have survived!
I have been able to be on my own with Jesus. Not co-dependent anymore!
I spend more time alone than ever in my life before. I used to not be able to handle silence or being alone in my life. (Somedays I still don’t lol. But I am an extrovert). But there were years I couldn’t function without being around people.
I used to be so codependent on others in my life that I had no idea who I was!
Guess what… I am Cassie Gilman.
I am a mom and not as bad of a mom as I told myself I was for many, many years!
I love small towns and back roads.
I love traveling to big cities and drinking coffee at coffee shops, but I am and will always be a country cowgirl at heart and roots.
I love my style of clothing and don’t care what others think about it.
I love my fire pits.
I love grilling outdoors.
I love fishing because I enjoy it AND NOT to impress a man lol!
I love certain ministers and authors and don’t giving a flying rip what others think. I’ll continue to walk the walk I need for Cassie to thrive.
I love to travel and I am not afraid to do so alone. (I struggled some with this for about a year since I moved back here).
There is so much that I USED to adjust for others and their needs and opinions.
I no longer volunteer so much of me that my kids and grand-kids don’t even know who I am or what I look like or heck didn’t even know myself lol.
So this is why I know that I have changed for the better.
Even though I am still overcoming many heart issues and behaviors, I am stronger than ever.
I may not be where I need to be but thank God I am not where I use to be!
I AM OKAY BECAUSE I AM ON MY WAY!!
Dream Catcher 3:20